I'm very bored at the moment. Very, VERY bored. And as such, that means I have to go make a ridiculous Blog post.
Look at the title of this post. What does it make you do? Laugh? Back away slowly, then break into a sprint? Gasp at the sudden realization that among you are evil creatures of apparent innocence?
I've known for a while. And now to prove my point.
BABIES ARE EVIL.
They gaze up at you and smile evilly as they plot your demise, then vomit on you to show absolute disrespect. The regurgitated food is their mark, so that they know they've found you, and so you know there's no escape - they will ALWAYS find you. Always. It also signals all their little friends that you are their property. The babies hang out in gangs - usually forced gangs that they have no choice in deciding. Other members of this gang may barf on you as well, on account of the fact that you belong to that gang, not just the first baby. If you meet a new baby and it barfs on you, turn to look at one of the babies in the original gang to vomit on you and look at their faces. It could very well be the look of impending doom.
They eat their food quite messily, as I'm sure you've noticed. They do this as a form of mockery. Babies, not being able to communicate correctly with the rest of the human race, have lots of silent time to themselves (this isn't the only reason they're quiet; I'll get on to that one later). Because of their lack of conversation, they notice much more than an older human. They notice every single mess you make or every stain on your shirt or the left over crumbs on your face from lunch. They're mocking you, to be simple. In their heads their thinking, "Oh, look at me, am I a pig or a human? There's no difference!" In fact, they are almost always pretending that you have no eyes and they're eating them.
They are working against you with every move - everything is part of the secret baby language that gets brainwashed from you before you can run. That's why they cry so loudly - to call on their allies. While one pretends to be cute the others go around breaking things and stealing the useful ones. This is all part of their code. When there's lots of babies around and one cries, and then the others join in, it's because they are having a very important conversation and feel the need to talk loudly when they want to feel smart. The sheer silence that occasionally comes from them is when they're reading your mind. If they're awake, they tend to look up at you with a hypnotic gaze, trying to tell you exactly what they want (usually a weapon of some sort) but you can't tell because normal people don't speak baby, and we therefore can't understand the request. Be thankful for that. When they're sleeping, they use the mind reading simply to go against you - they wake up and start crying so that you can't sleep and you can be late tomorrow. They call to their fellow gang members, and this may cause them to screech extraordinarily loudly.
And have you noticed how they like to go through all your stuff, slobbering all over it and chewing it up? It's because they're laughing at the fact that you know their secret and no one believes you because they look innocent. You know that babies are evil, but no one believes you. You can hear the cruel baby-laughter that everyone else passes by as adorable. They stare at you blankly, but you only think that because they are such intelligent beings that they can hide it with a pure force of will. I never fall for their tricks, of course, and we have mutual fear of each other (I say mutual meaning "I'm the terrified one and they're the ones laughing).
So beware, everyone. Watch out for the baby mind tricks. Do it so that babies don't rule the world.
(and just so you know, this is all a joke. Except for the fact that babies do scare me.)